Cooties!
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Dib lies to Zim about cooties, leading the Irken to believe that he's turning into a girl. How will Zim be able to cope? In any case, it'll be hilarious. One-shot! Read & review if you like!


(A/N: Okay, I wanna say right here, right now, that NO Invader Zim story I write OTHER than "Tak Is Back" will have a pairing. Well, unless I somehow end up changing my mind later. Tak doesn't live with Zim, Dib doesn't love Tak, blah blah blah.

I can not and WILL not be tethered to ZaTr! I WILL NOT!

That's just the best pairing in my opinion.

SooOoo! This is just a funny little story I felt like writin'! I hope you enjoy reading it, it was fun to write!)

It was yet another humdrum day at Skool. As usual, Ms. Bitters droned on about doom and no one was listening. (A/N: Hey, at least this time, it was actual history...)

"...and from that moment, the Mayans knew that they were doomed," she told the bored kids."And they were right. They were DOOMED."

The last word echoed noisily through everybody's heads.

Zim groaned loudly, knowing that this couldn't possibly end soon.

Dib whispered to Poonchy next to him.

"I betcha ALIENS wiped out the Mayans."

"MS. BITTERS! DIB IS BEING INSANE AGAIN!" Zim shouted, pointing at him.

"Zim, you're interrupting!" Ms. Bitters said, irritated."And what have I told you about tattling?"

"You haven't told me anything!" Zim retorted.

"Don't listen to him, Ms. Bitters!" Dib ran out from behind his seat."Zim's tattling again! L-Let's send him to detention!"

"You're crazy," Zita rolled her eyes.

"I concur," nodded Ms. Bitters."Dib, get back into your seat where you're farther away from me. Zim, don't tattle again or you'll be sent to the principal's office, where your voice box will be removed."

Zim gave her a questioning look.

"New Skool rule," the teacher replied dryly.

As Dib returned to his seat, defeated, Zim smirked at him. He was going to stand up and do a victory pose, but he tripped on a chair leg and fell over. (A/N: I have had this happen to me, it was SO embarrassing! ;_;)

All the students, Dib included, pointed and laughed at Zim on the ground. He glared at all of them.

"Cease your merriment!" Zim commanded them."I warn you!"

He was about to get up by himself, but then he looked to his right and saw a hand outstretched to him. It was Zita, offering to help him up. He eyed her hand with a puzzled expression.

She scoffed."Geez, come on, I don't have COOTIES."

That last word snaked its way into Zim's brain and stayed there. _Cooties..._ He had never heard that word before, but something about it sent negative vibes. Zim ignored Zita and got up on his own. After sitting down, he continued to mull it over.

Zim deduced that cooties must be some sort of contagious illness. He gulped. If Zita didn't have cooties...who did?

"Now, on with the lesson," spoke Ms. Bitters."The Aztecs, unlike the Mayans, did NOT predict their own doom. But it came nonetheless..."

XXXXXXXAFTERCLASSXXXXXXX

All the students were going home, and Zim weaved his way through the crowd, trying to avoid anyone that might have cooties. Soon, he saw Dib leaving through the front doors. As much as he hated him, he really couldn't think of anyone else to ask right now.

Zim ran to catch up him."DIB! Dib, wait!"

"Huh?" Dib turned around in alarm."What do YOU want, Zim? Ready for me to escort you to an intergalatic taxidermist? Heh-heh. 'Intergalatic taxidermist'. Ha, that's a good one, I've gotta start writing these down."

"Geh, ah, uh, I must know!" Zim stammered as Dib continued chuckling at his own joke."What is this 'cooties'?! Tell me nooow!"

"Cooties? Seriously, Zim? You believe in- -" Dib stopped himself and thought. Then he sneered, deciding to have a little fun with the Irken."I mean, you seriously don't know what cooties are, Zim?! Oh, MAN!" he exclaimed in false surprise.

Zim shook his head and then stared at Dib impatiently.

"Well, Zim, normally I'd take this oppurtunity to exploit your paranoia for my own amusement, but seeing as this is such a serious matter, I'm going to be completely honest with you!" the boy declared."You see, cooties are viruses. They're cute, little, pink, bug-looking things that infect your body and make you weird."

Zim gasped."Like germs?!"

"Much, much worse." Dib shook his head with mock sadness. He continued his overly dramatic revelation."Cooties are invincible. Once they infect you, they'll multiply until they've claimed your entire body. And once they've done their job, there's no way to get rid of them. You'll permanently be a prissy weirdo."

Zim shuddered at the thought."Where do these vermin come from?!"

"...GIRLS."

"Diiib!" As if on cue, Gaz walked up behind Dib with her backpack."What is taking you so long? You're supposed to carry my stuff."

"AHHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM MY BODY! AHHHHHHHH!" Zim ran away, screaming.

XXXXXXXZIMSBASEXXXXXXX

"What am I going to do?! If any of those Earth females get too close, I'm at risk of cootie infection!" Zim paced around his living room, overreacting to what Dib had just told him. GIR sat on the couch, nodding at everything Zim said.

"It could be too late!" Zim stopped pacing."Their DISGUSTING femininity disease may have already reached me!...COMPUTERRR! Give me a psychological exam!"

With a deflated sigh, a mechanical arm slowly lowered from the ceiling. In its claws were several sheets of paper, which were held in front of Zim.

"Okay. What does this look like to you?" asked Computer. The first picture was of a rainbow.

Zim grunted a lot before replying."A...space duck?"

"A PICKLE!" GIR guessed.

"Quiet, GIR!" demanded Zim."This is MY assessment."

GIR covered his mouth.

"What does this remind you of?" Computer held up the second picture, a unicorn.

Zim narrowed his magenta eyes in deep thought.

"Hmm...a space cow?" he attempted.

"A SOUP LADLE!" shouted GIR.

"GIR! What did I just say?!" Zim asked, frustrated.

A recording sound was heard coming from GIR, and when he opened his mouth, it played:_ "GIR! What did I just say?!"_

Zim facepalmed."BEFORE that!"

_"Hmm...a space cow?"_

"JUST BE QUIET!" Zim turned back to Computer, who was now holding the third paper.

"What do you see here?" The image was a flower.

Zim thought and thought with all his might, but he just couldn't think of anything.

"A MUSTARD SANDWICH!" you-know-who loudly guessed again.

"GIRRR!...actually...that IS what it looks like." Zim nodded."So, Computer, what can you conclude from the test?"

"I conclude that there is something seriously wrong with you!"

"Mm-hmm," Zim agreed nonchalantly."Anything else?"

"You are 100% bonified priss, Master." Computer pulled the robot arm back up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXXXXXXXTHENEXTDAYXXXXXXX

"Boy, I can't WAIT to see Zim today!" Dib announced unnecessarily. (A/N: Honestly, dude, no one cares.) He walked proudly alongside his little sister on the way to Skool."I bet he's a nervous wreck over all that 'cootie business' I told him about! HA! I should of thought of this sooner! Hey, you know what? Maybe you could chase him around a bit just to scare him!"

"Ooh, that sounds like fun," mumbled Gaz, sarcastic as usual.

"Just an idea."

"Here's another one," Gaz suggested."Stop talking."

"This is gonna be great!"

"And you're gonna be dead."

XXXXXXXINCLASSXXXXXXX

Dib strolled into the classroom, happy as can be. Instantly, he turned to Zim. But something was wrong. Zim didn't seem freaked out, disturbed, or even anxious. In fact...he looked sort of...cheerful? Dib gave the alien a strange look, but Zim just waved back, smiling even! Astonished, Dib went to his seat.

XXXXXXXLUNCHTIMEXXXXXXX

"I can't believe what I'm seeing!" cried Dib.

"I can't believe you're still talking," commented Gaz, who was playing her Game Slave 2 next to him.

Of course, Dib was referring to Zim. He was...socializing! With a bunch of girls!...and they were all having a good time together! What in the world?!

Dib, as always, was quick to question his actions."What is Zim up to? How would he benefit from talking with a bunch of girls? What's he planning?"

"Maybe you should head over there and find out instead of annoying me," Gaz responded.

"Good idea!" Dib shot out of his seat and dashed over to the table where Zim and all the girls were.

When he saw Zim, he gasped.

He was wearing a red bow and some barettes in his wig. Plus, he had some blush on.

As soon as Dib arrived, Zim stopped laughing and greeted him.

"Hi, Dib!"

Dib was shocked to hear Zim address him in such a genuinely friendly manner."Zim...can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure thing, honey!" replied Zim, beaming.

"Ooooooh!" teased all the girls as soon as Zim got up. He squealed at them to shut up, and then followed Dib across the cafeteria.

"What do ya need, cupcake?" Zim asked the human.

"Zim! What the heck are you doing?!" Dib blurted out.

"Whatever do you mean, sugar?"

"Stop using those pet names!"

Zim giggled. And it was creepy.

"Well, Dib, since you told me that the cootie virus was invincible, I eventually stopped trying to cure it! I embraced my newfound female status!" Zim related gleefully."And it is FUN! Look! The girl humans gave Zim some hair thingies, and we're having a slumber party at Jessica's on Friday!"

"No...no, no, no, this isn't right!" Dib shook his head and backed away from Zim.

"I want to THANK you for allowing me to find my true self!" Zim gave Dib a big hug, and the scythe-haired boy cringed."If you hadn't told me about the cooties, I may have stayed that way forever, Dibby!"

Dib shoved Zim off of him."No, Zim! I lied! There ARE no cooties! I made it up!"

"YOU'RE LYING! I mean...girl, please!" scoffed Zim."Don't you know a girl when you see one? Alright, gotta go, Dib! Destroy you later! Since I'm a girl now, I have to hate you in secret!"

"...okay, Zim. But I have one last thing to tell you."

"What?"

"You make a really cute girl."

XXXXXXXLATERXXXXXXX

GIR was watching the Angry Monkey Show when Zim came home.

"Hi, Master!" the robot greeted."How goes the cooties?"

"I found the cure, GIR."

"Ohh...was it fun bein' a lady?"

Zim shrugged dismissively."Eh...it's not all it's cracked up to be."

(A/N: This is the only amount of ZaDr you will EVER get out of me, IF you consider that ZaDr, which I don't. Again, unless I change my mind. Even though Dib CLEARLY just said that so that Zim would go back to normal, right? Right?!

Ah, you get it. Please review and fave! Byyye!)


End file.
